Scared of Lonely

Every night when evening falls, a nagging feeling starts to set inside of me. It stirs in the pit of my stomach and makes its way up to my head where it grasps hold of my thoughts. In a haunting voice it taunts and teases me, and has become the cause of many restless nights where Im up hours on end waiting for sleep to put me out of this misery. This feeling is loneliness. I do things to take my mind away from this feeling but nothing seems to work. Everything seems to remind me of this void that I seem to have in my life. I watch tv, read books, listen to music, but all of them just seem to intensify these feelings that that there is no one hear to share my love of these activities with. One night in desparation I googled the term "loneliness". I found that there is a difference between being alone and lonely but they both just seem the same to me. In searching for the end to this I go back to where I think it began. Growing up I was never a very social or outgoing. I have 3 brothers but the difference in our age has always made me feel like an only child. In school I had friends but only during school hours. Then I came home and it was back to me. Kind of the way I am now. Presently I have friends but most live in different states. Some of the friends I have locally Im not even that close to. I've tried rebuilding these friendships but I've come to realize that some of them aren't worth reviving. So now it s just me. Add to that the end of an almost 5 year relationship and its beginning to seem there's no light at the end of this tunnel. So what is a brother to do? I've made up my mind that I am not going to lose without a fight. For one I am beginning to embrace my alone time. I've heard it said that if you can't spend time with yourself then how do you expect anyone else too. I'm rediscovering hobbies and things that I used to do but didn't have time to. Learning to appreciate my family and spend as much time with them as possible. And when opportunities present themselves to have social interactions I jump on them. Even if it seems they will take me out of my comfort level. I've always been a person who sees the good side in everything. And I know just like everything this too shall pass, and I won't be alone always. Besides I will always have me. And who could ask for anything more.

Defying Gravity

In an act of learning to love myself, I stepped out and treated myself to one of the things that I rarely get a chance to do, go to the theater. A national tour production of the musical "Wicked" was in town and after hearing so many rave reviews about it when it was on Broadway, I knew I had to see it for myself. Needless to say the performance was awesome. It had all of the things that I love and enjoy about musicals; music, dancing,elaborate costumes, and intricate sets. The play was all I expected and more. Almost 2 months later there is one scene and song that still resonates with me. It's the scene at the end of Act I when Elphaba b.k.a the Wicked Witch of the West is on the run, after being persecuted by the Wizard and made the target of all bad things that happen in Oz. After embracing her powers, Elphaba decides to embrace her put upon persona as wicked and "Defy Gravity." As she is lifted to the sky she belts in a breathless bravado "...nothing's going to bring me down." Even weeks later the scene is still stuck in my head and often times I have caught myself humming the tune or running to look it up on YouTube just to relive the moment. (It's even better with Idina Menzel the original Elphaba). In re watching the scene, the song has grown to have a more personal meaning for me. For awhile now in my life I have felt so grounded. There's a feeling inside of me that there is a world out there that I am not being a part of. I see so many people around me doing things, pursuing their dreams and I want a part of it. But for some reason I'm paralyzed. Paralyzed by fear. Self doubt. Insecurity. Lack of money. Lack of means to go after the things I want. I'm ready for all of that to change. I'm seeking that day when I can take to the sky and defy gravity. Leaving all the nay sayers and dream killers on the ground and have them watch in awe as I embrace the powers and gifts that God has instilled within me. I can empathize with the character of Elphaba, knowing that I have what it takes to be somebody but not knowing how to use it. At30 it feels like it's too late to start something new. Or to go after the dreams you still dream. Often it feels like they are just fading away. I read a quote tonight that said "

A Man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams. (John Barrymore)

but I won't let that be so in my life. I'm fighting my regrets and holding fast to my dreams. And remembering to Defy GRAVITY.

Nowhere to run to....

After the emotional pain I've felt for the past few months, I feel like I have finally let go and am ready to go on with what's left of my life. But somehow these road blocks keep popping up. Today I was chilling, trying to enjoy a rare Saturday off when I get a text from a friend of mine who I haven't spoken with in awhile. "I'm at an event in Norfolk and I see your "ex" and his boyfriend." The first question that came to mind was, "damn, can I get a hello, how are you?"
I text him back and responded, "Thanks for the update." Later I call my grandmother and one of the first questions she ask is if I have seen my ex. It's like wherever I go I can't escape being asked about him. Ok we were together for almost five years. And there was a time where you wouldn't have seen one of us without the other. And even after our break up and some of the messed up things that followed we still manage to be friends. But our lives are seperate now. He has found a new love and is happy. I'm slowly but surely getting on with my life. Going back to some of the old things I used to do and trying to make new friends. I often ask myself though, how can I move on when I'm constantly confronted with people asking about him. It's become really annoying. Still I'm not going to let these little roadblocks side track me on my quest to re-discovering me. Next time if someone asks about my "ex" my answer will be I don' t know about him. But I'm doing JUST FINE!